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BUBBA HAS A QUESTION
Down south, Bubba called his attorney and
asked, 'Is It true theys suin them cigarette companies fer causin people to git cancer?'
'Yes,
Bubba, sure is true,' responded the lawyer.
'And now someone is suin them fast food restaurants fer
makin them fat an cloggin their arteries with all them burgers
An fries, is that true, Mista Lawyer?'
'Sure is, Bubba.'
'And that lady sued McDonalds for millions when
she was gave that hot coffee that she ordered?'
'Yep.'
'And that football player sued that university when he graduaided
and still couldn't read?'
'That's right,' said the lawyer.'
'But
why are you asking?'
'Well, I was thinkin.....
What I want to know is, kin I sue
Budweiser fer all them ugly women I slept with?'
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Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty
badly. The morgue
needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best
friends, Cooter and
Gomer. The three men had always done everything
together.
Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician
pulled back the sheet,
Cooter said, "Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll
him over."
The
mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, "Nope, ain't Bubba."
The mortician thought this was rather strange.
So he brought Gomer in
to confirm the identity of the body. Gomer looked at the body and said,
"Yup,
he's pretty well burnt up.
Roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No, it
ain't Bubba."
The
mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes."
"What? He had two asshole
s?" asked the mortician.
Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say, "There's Bubba With
them two
assholes.
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Who
said Rednecks aren't Sensitive ???
Three
Rednecks, Cooter, Dale and K.C., were working on a cell phone
tower.
As they start their descent Cooter slips, falls
off the tower and is
killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Dale says, "Well, someone
should go
and tell his wife." KC says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that
sensitive stuff, I'll do it."
Two hours later, he comes back
carrying a case of Budweiser.
Dale says, "Where did you get that beer, KC?"
"Cooter's wife gave it to me," KC replies.
That's
unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she
gave you beer?"
Well, not exactly", KC says. "When she
answered the door, I said to her,
"You must be Cooter's widow'."
She said, "You must be mistaken, I'm not a widow."....
Then I said "I'll
bet you a case of Budweiser you are."
Rednecks Are Good At Sensitive Stuff.
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My ex-wife started taking
flying lessons about the time our divorce started and she got her license shortly before our divorce was final, later that
same year.
Yesterday afternoon, she
narrowly escaped injury in the aircraft she was piloting when she was forced to make an emergency landing in Southern Tennessee
because of bad weather. Thank God our kids were with me at the Beach House this weekend.
The NTSB issued a preliminary
report, citing pilot error: Carol was flying an aircraft in IFR (instrument flight rating) conditions while only
having obtained a VFR (visual flight rating).
The absence of a post-crash
fire was likely due to insufficient fuel on board. No one on the ground was injured.
Photographs below were
taken at the scene show the extent of damage to her aircraft.
She was very lucky.
I don't care who you are,
this was funny!!!!!
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And you thought there was no such place!!!
You will all be relieved to receive
this.......
How
many times have we been "up there without one"?
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A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the motorcycle officer walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket
book, she smiled and said, "I bet you're going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolmen's Ball."
Giving her a stern look, he replied, "Highway Patrolmen don't have balls."
There was a moment of silence while she continued to smile and tried not to laugh. Realizing what he'd just said, he closed
his book, got back on his motorcycle and left without saying another word. The women broke down and laughed so hard it was
another 10 minutes before she could pull herself together and start her car.
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Conversation at the Nursing Home
At a nursing home a group of Seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments.
"My arms have gotten so
weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.
"Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad I can't even
see my coffee."
"I couldn't even punch out the chad at election time, my hands are so crippled," volunteered a third.
"What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you!"
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a fourth,
to which several nodded weakly in
agreement.
"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy!" exclaimed another.
"I
forget where I am, and where I'm going," said another.
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old
man as he slowly shook his head. The others
nodded in agreement.
"Well, count your blessings," said one woman cheerfully
.... "and thank God we can all still drive!"
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AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES
1. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock,
will prevent
you from Rolling over and going back to
sleep after you hit the snooze button.
2. If you have a bad cough, take
a large dose of
laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
3. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing
vegetables
by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
4. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting
the toilet seat by simply using the sink.
5. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut
yourself
and bleed for three minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a Timer.
6. Have a bad headache?
Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the headache.
7. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the
rules
of life really are:
You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40.
If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
When all else fails, toss down a good shot of whiskey and take a
nap.
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Redneck Mirror
After living in the remote wilderness of Durham all his life,
An old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city.
In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it.
Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image
Staring back at him,
"How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy."
He bought the 'picture', but on the way home he remembered his
Wife, didn't like his father.
So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for
The fields, he would go there and look at it.
His wife began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn.
One day after her husband left, she searched the
Barn and found the mirror.
As she looked into the glass, she fumed,
"So that's the ugly bitch he's runnin' around with."
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